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obliviouskara · 8 months ago

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Supergirl doesn’t huff. She doesn’t. She’s National City’s superhero, beloved and adorned. Has captivated the hearts of many, saving it tragedy after tragedy. Supergirl is indestructible, bullets bounce off of her, laser beams shoot out from her eyes. Her enemies tremble at the sight of her and yet here is she, huffing like a petulant child withheld her favorite candy all because Lena Luthor keeps ignoring her.

In Lena’s defense, she’s not ignoring ignoring her but she’s also like not giving her the time of day.

While all of National City’s — some would even argue including Metropolis, eyes are on her she can’t seem to capture a specific pair of exquisite emerald hues that belonged to a certain L-Corp CEO.

It doesn’t matter that she’s saved said tech genius multiple times now (not that she loves to dwell on the fact of just how many times she had to save her) but Supergirl always comes to her rescue. Always. Even more times than the media tabloids can count. So much so that there are rumors spreading, mostly from magazines wanting clickbait headlines. Headlines like how the resident superhero has been spotted carrying a certain CEO to safety way too many times.

People talk, tweet, whisper. Who wouldn’t? A Luthor and Super working together is a headline worthy to keep people talking. But no matter how hard Supergirl tries, nothing seems to be working. She can't catch her attention. At least not the kind of attention she secretly hopes to get out from her.

The CEO thanks Supergirl, as she always does. So polite yet begrudgingly reserved.

Supergirl earnestly tries to make sure to be her knight and shining amour and if from time to time she makes a show or flare about it, that’s her business. None of this garner any huge reaction from Lena though.

So, it makes her huff because she’s Supergirl. Although she would never admit it out loud, she does get a little thrill when people watch her in awe. She tries to hide the proud smirk when she successfully blows a house caught on fire with one breath. She doesn't even break a sweat.

If only Lena would look at her the same way.

But as fate might have it, the L-Corp CEO would simply give her a grateful smile and a practiced “thank you” and she’s off— goes on with her day as if she wasn’t just inches away from death.

Lena doesn’t bat an eye when the Kryptonian does her heroic stunts which some would argue is a bit over the top for someone who isn’t even of acquaintance to the CEO.

Supergirl’s touches are so soft, careful, reverent in such way when she rushes towards Lena’s safety like a scene straight out from a comic. This makes Sam, Lena’s friend and arguably only friend she allows to judge her to an extent— raise a few eyebrows.

So, the National City’s superhero pouts.

Pouting like a six-year told being told to go to bed earlier than she would have wanted. This inevitably pushes her to find ways to impress the green-eyed CEO who watches her with the most blank expression.

She’d even once sent her a wink when she punches a particular large alien straight to oblivion while staring directly at the CEO. Lena's reaction? Nothing. Didn't even crack a smile. She seemed almost unimpressed. Borderline bored. The only thing she receives is a smack in the head from Alex telling her to “stop being inappropriate while wearing the suit”.

Thankfully, Kara doesn’t have pout for long because while Lena barely gives Supergirl the time of day, she gets a completely 180 when she’s Kara Danvers.

For some reason, Lena smiles wider - brighter whenever she’s around the shy, fidgety, clumsy reporter. A CATCO reporter that Lena seems to be head over heels with.

Lena doesn’t even shy away showing how much she enjoys Kara’s company. It should embarrass Kara how much Lena unabashedly favors her in more ways than one but she’d be lying if she doesn’t admit how much she loves spending time with the her. The undivided attention is just a cherry on top.

While Lena barely makes conversation with the resident superhero, she has lunch dates with Kara. Movie dates. She filled her office with flowers as a thank you for the article she published describing about the new acquisition and owner of Luthor Corp now turned L-Corp even though Kara shyly explained that she was simply doing her job, all while the Kyrptonin simply gets a “that’s lucky” for saving her from almost plummeting to her death.

Kara doesn’t miss the slight change of expression on Lena’s face when the Supergirl nervously explained how she found out Lena was in danger.

Was that jealousy? That’s ridiculous! Why would Lena even care that Kara and Supergirl are friends?

But Kara, oblivious Kara only seem to see herself worthy of Lena Luthor when Kara is her alter ego. She feels more confident when she’s Supergirl than she is as Kara. She’s not really sure why. Probably because she feels she has more to offer compared to her reporter persona. Kara is just so…Kara. Simple. Flimsy. Boring.

Lena doesn’t deserve simple. How could someone be as amazing as Lena Luthor possibly find shy, nervous, boring reporter Kara Danvers interesting? She’s just being kind. That’s just how Lena is. Even though Lena literally bought a million-dollar company she knew absolutely nothing about all for Kara. An investment that left Sam completely speechless and Jess losing sleep for a week.

Kara convinces herself that Lena is just a good person and that’s one of the many things she loves about her best friend.

But it continues, and Lena falls for Kara even more. She falls for her perfect smiles the way her face lights up with each new random fact her brain comes up with, her silly jokes that Alex points out are not even that funny but Lena laughs the loudest if only to bring another smile on Kara’s face, their genuine conversations that has Lena opening parts of herself that she has never told anyone about maybe other than Sam and super platonic cuddling.

This makes Kara as Supergirl bolder. She becomes confident in expressing how she feels for Lena while she wears a cape. Lena isn’t the only one falling. So is Kara. Hard.

She falls for Lena’s genuine kindness; how smart Lena is and yet somehow, it’s like she doesn’t know how amazing she is. She falls for the CEO even when she’s wearing the suit that the lines between her and her superhero alter ego almost blurs. Almost.

So, she openly flirts without shame. For someone who’s supposed to be professional in her line of duty, she seems to make it a hobby to send a overtly flirty smile or wink towards the CEO. Supergirl lifts 10-ton trucks in front of Lena, intentionally flexing her biceps basically just to show off. To get the slightest reaction out of Lena but all she gets is a tight lip smile before Lena shoots Kara a text to have lunch.

And while Lena spends more time publicly with Kara, they barely get swarmed with paparazzi. I mean, who would find Lena having lunch with an unknown reporter interesting.? That’s not news worthy.

It’s not even gossip worthy.

But as soon as she’s standing close with Supergirl, their photos are front and center of every magazine cover.

It becomes a headline in a span of minutes, twitter loses their mind. They earn a little fan club even and Lena tries her best to ignore it.

Really, she does but it bothers her a little. Not for the reasons people might think. She finds every headline of her and Supergirl “dating” irritating if not annoying because that’s not exactly the blonde she wants her name to be associated with.

Sure, she and Kara are getting closer - Lena can feel it. A connection more than friends tethering their bond, an unspoken knowledge neither one of them brave enough to admit. Yet.

She ponders. Hopefully.

The nonstop rumors about her and Supergirl are starting to get on her nerves since last thing she wants is for Kara to get the wrong impression.

Lena considers what she and Kara have fragile. Delicate. Like the slightest turmoil would send it crashing. She can’t have that. Not if she can help it. She won’t allow rumors about her and a hero with an awful god complex ruin it.

She worries what Kara might think of her connection with Supergirl because there isn’t. It’s purely transactional. Business at best. They’re barely even friends.

She’s given the superhero the coldest shoulder she can whenever they’re in close proximity. It's probably not fair but she makes sure to keep a respectable distance between them. It doesn’t help however that the superhero seems to enjoy being close to her.

Hovering almost. It infuriates her even more.

So, she tries to hide it. It’s not the alien’s fault Lena has fallen for the reporter. It’s not Supergirl’s fault she has issues and is overprotective of her relationship with Kara.

Lena isn’t a fan however of the fact that Supergirl somehow is never shy to leave a comment of what she thinks about Lena. While Lena doubles her effort to make sure she doesn’t mention Supergirl in any of her interviews unless necessary, Supergirl is the complete total opposite.

She talks about Lena. A lot. Her projects, her advocacy (How did she even have the time to remember that? Lena’s only mentioned it once) and what she does for the community. It’s so hard to hate the superhero when she’s nothing but nice and supportive towards the scientist.

Almost like this unwavering and undying devotion which to her is a little dramatic since she doesn’t even think highly of herself at times.

Lena thinks, “Thanks but like, can you please just shut up about me for one second?!”

Apparently, Supergirl does and she praises Lena every chance she gets, every time a microphone is shoved towards her asking what she thinks of the L-Corp CEO.

Lena knows the media is doing it on purpose too and it’s fueling whatever rumors that are going on about them. And while she appreciates Superhero’s opinions and generous words, there is only one opinion that she really cares about.

She was mortified when she saw Kara staring at a photo of her with Supergirl, arms wrapped protective around her in one of the magazines on her desk (she’s sure Sam did it on purpose, she doesn’t remember ever getting a copy for herself), Lena immediately snatches it out from Kara’s hands, shoves it inside her drawer and starts rambling defensively preparing for a full-blown explanation to whatever possible questions were running through the reporter’s mind. Noticeably, Kara barely says a word.

Even as Kara stays silent, Lena still feels as though she needs to explain herself. She tells Kara nothing is going on, and she doesn’t see Supergirl that way at all. She shouldn’t be defensive when Kara has not made as much fuss about it but she can’t help it. Sweet, nice, understanding Kara Danvers just smiles and says “I don’t know. You two look good together”.

Now it’s Lena that freezes. She stands there, gob smacked and absolutely lost because what was that supposed to mean?

Does it bother her that Kara almost seemed okay with it? Does Kara think something is actually going on or she doesn’t think much of it? Did Lena expect a little bit jealousy? That’s insane and frankly quiet immature for her to hope to get a rise out of Kara. But Kara simply shrugged and started devouring their shared lunch.

It’s fine. Lena’s fine. She doesn’t care that Kara doesn’t care. This is good. This should be good. It doesn’t bother her at all. Or so she tells herself. Until it does.

Lena tried to casually prob the topic again. Tries her best to not sound too desperate. She thinks of the easiest way to brooch the topic without being conspicuous. With perfect timing, the TV flashes an image and it showed a picture of Supergirl clutching on Lena protectively from a blast, another poor attempt on her life.

Whether it’s because of Supergirl’s overprotectiveness or just her natural aura which was how the photo was taken, it came out beautiful. Stunning. Almost breath taking that you would think it was staged.

On top of that it’s also intimate. The way the superhero is holding her. Lena barely remembers being held by the super. She was too busy trying to not have a panic attack after just seconds away from an exploding bomb.

Lena held her breathe. Any minute now.

Lena had been glancing at Kara’s direction since the news started, waiting. The news anchor mentioned what everyone else was already thinking. How sweet they both look, that somehow, they manage to turn what supposedly should have been an image that would portray fear and anxiousness into something almost heartwarming. She waits, and waits until she breaks the silence herself.

“I can’t believe people actually assume I’m dating Supergirl.” Lena scoffs, forces a laugh as tries to be casual, as if her heart isn’t about to beat out of her chest wondering what Kara might be thinking.

“I wouldn’t blame them. You two make a great couple.”

Before Lena could even respond, Kara adds, “I mean, you and Supergirl? It’s Supergirl, Lena. Everyone wants her. Half of National City probably has a crush on her. I wouldn’t be surprised if you did.” Kara finishes off, with a fond roll in her eyes as if to tell her it’s not a big deal. That it’s normal. She takes the remote out from Lena’s hands while she uses the other to shove popcorn in her mouth. Lena swears she could almost see a smirk forming Kara’s lips. As if she was smug about something.

But it wouldn’t make any sense. Also, why was Kara so fine with it? And why was Lena so annoyed that it didn’t bother Kara? They’ve been going out on dates but nothing about it were friendly. At least not to Lena. Was she reading things wrong? She knows she’s not.

Lena’s too smart to be reading into things. She has three PHDs for crying out loud. She can explain quantum physics in her sleep but this? Lena has never been so sure and so confused about something in her life.

It’s possible to assume what she has with Kara is simply friendship but it’s hard to deny that there’s something more. She feels it. In the way she lights up when Kara is around, when a single text from the reporter brightens up even her darkest days.Good morning and Good Night shouldn’t be causing butterflies to fly rampant in your stomach or make your chest ache with so much joy. But it does. It does for Kara.

“Not me though,” Lena finally says after finding her voice. She looks away, afraid that blue eyes can see beyond the facade she’s trying to keep up. “I don’t… I don’t see her that way.”

Kara pauses mid-way from ingulfing her popcorn. Lips purse as if she’s thinking hard about something. “Really?” Kara doesn’t even hide the surprise in her voice as she slowly turns to face Lena, popcorn temporarily forgotten. “Why not?” Why was Kara whining about this? Lena should be whining, not her.

“What do you mean, ‘Why not?’”

“I mean.. Why don’t you.. But she’s so.. — it’s Supergirl, Lena! She’s like the strongest woman ever! She’s a superhero and she’s so..” Kara blushes, as if trying to find the right words but also somehow struggling to let them out at the same time. This confuses Lena even more.

“She should totally be your type! She’s like everyone’s type!” Kara throws her hands trying to make a point.

Lena just stares at her. Unimpressed. Scrunching her nose, she turns her attention back to the screen changing the channel. “Well, she’s not.” The CEO deadpans and that was the end of it.

Lena tries to forget about that disaster of a movie night. She really does. She wills herself not to think about it. She tries pushing it at the back on her mind for two days until Lena reaches her limit.

She’s furious. How dare Kara Danvers just — push her away like she’s nothing. ‘She should be your type’ plays on her head nonstop almost mocking her and it makes her want to scream! How could someone be this —ugh.

That’s how Sam finds her. Pacing around her office like a mad woman on a mission rage written all over her face. She looks like a ticking time bomb just seconds from exploding.

“Looks like someone woke up at the wrong side of the bed this morning,” cautiously Sam approaches, like walking close to a wild animal. She makes sure to leave a respectable distance just in case.

“Unbelievable!” Lena starts her rant, her hands balled into a fist. “I can’t believe out of all people she thinks Supergirl is perfect for me.”

“I mean she’s not—”

“Samantha Arias, I swear to god not today.”

Sam immediately lifts both hands in surrender, taking another step back.

“Here I was worried sick of what she might think about these stupid rumors only to find out she obviously doesn’t care! The nerve! She thinks supergirl should totally be my type?! Supergirl?!”

Sam opens her mouth attempting to ask a question or two but seeing as Lena is close to throwing the nearest thing she could grab against the wall, she decided against it.

But the thing is, Kara Danvers does care. She probably cares more than anyone. Kara Danvers cares about Lena Luthor so much that it bothered the Kryptonian that Supergirl isn’t Lena’s type hence why she’s huffing again.

However, another incident, another threat to Lena’s life changes everything.

It was such a close call that it leaves them both breathless and the girl of steel shaking as she holds Lena close. Blue eyes scan each and every corner of Lena’s face making sure she’s okay. Making sure she’s real and nothing bad has happened. She made it on time. She's safe. Normally, Lena wouldn’t allow this much intimacy between them but after this attack she needed something to ground her a little.

“You’re okay. Thank Rao, you’re okay.” Lena doesn’t move, her feet appear to be rooted both by shock and fear while Supergirl continues to examine every inch of her face. “I was so scared I was going to lose you,” Supergirl whispers and Lena could hear the tremble in her voice.

Everything happened so fast that Lena was having trouble trying to process everything. The attempt on her life, how she was merrily inches away from death. She remembers the exact moment she came to terms with it. This was it. Finally, from all the attempts on her life that this was the one to take her out. She should have known. An exploding bomb in her car was a classic. Lena would have been okay with it if not for a specific blonde reporter that she wished was with her at that very moment. She can’t die. Not yet. Not until she tells Kara how she feels. They at least deserve that.

However, the reality is Kara's not here. Supergirl is. Supergirl is the one holding her. Holding her the way she would have hoped a certain blonde reporting was holding her.

Lena had to close her eyes to stop looking back at blue eyes staring at her with so much concern. This can’t happen. She’s not — she can’t be. She loves Kara Danvers. She might be pissed at her but she knows deep down she’s in love with the nervous fidgety reporter and not to this impenetrable woman right in front of her.

Her head shakes as Supergirl’s tighten her grip as if too afraid Lena might slip away. During these moments when Lena allows herself to feel, she genuinely does not know what to make of it. Why does Supergirl care about her so much. No one is watching. There are no cameras recording their interaction.

She assumes it was all for publicly but this, it feels different. When it’s just them and no one else. Supergirl stands close to her, completely shaken and unbalanced. There is genuine fear in her eyes at the thought of being too late or not being fast enough. Lena has never felt safer.

As she starts to pulls away, green eyes meet glassy blue. She convinces herself it’s the dust and not the resident superhero actually in tears because that would mean…

“I thought I was going to lose you.”

“But why do you—”

Before Lena could respond, she feels a pair of lips against her own and everything around them seems to disappear.

It barely registers to her what is happening, completely getting lost on the pair of lips against her own. Lena feels a shiver run down her spine at the way Supergirl is kissing her, making her grab unto the superhero’s shoulder.

The action was meant to push the super away because this can’t be happening. These were not the pair of lips she wanted on her but somehow, it feels right. Like this was how things were suppose to be. She feels her heart raising as Supergirl deepens the kiss, feeling herself getting pushed slightly until the back of her knee hits against a hard surface but it barely registers to Lena because Supergirl is kissing her in a way she's never been kissed before.

Finally, Lena finds the strength to pull away the need to breathe outweighing her body’s desire. And for the first time, she wills herself to stare at the pair of brilliant oceanic eyes that she’s been trying so hard to ignore. She lets her eyes track down every detail of the superheroes face, trying to figuring out a puzzle with missing pieces. Blue eyes stare back at her with a mix of desire and unbridled affection as Lena continues to gasp for air and stares.

Something about Supergirl’s smile, the strong line of her jaw, the way her soft lips parts as she patiently waits for Lena to say something seems so familiar. Like an answer at the tip of her tongue but can’t seem to get it out. It’s frustrating as it is captivating and all Lena wants to do is drink it in, see past the mask that this superhero constantly wears and be able to see what all this means.

Being this close, Lena can see the moment Supergirl lips rise to form a smile. A smile Lena is all too familiar with now that she’s finally inches away from the superhero. It’s all too familiar now and finally, it dawns to her.

A tiny gasp leaves her lips at the realization, emerald eyes never leaving blue as Supergirl’s smile brightens. As if she too understands that Lena has finally figured it out. With trembling delicate fingers, Lena reaches up and cup Supergirl’s cheeks and instinctively, Supergirl leans against her touch. Like it’s the most natural thing in the world.

Lena feels a gentle squeeze where Supergirl is holding her and she lets out a breath she didn’t even know she was holding.

“Kara?” Lena whispers, barely hiding the tremble of her own voice and there it was. The smile of the woman she’s been not so secretly in love with plastered on National City hero’s face.

“I am madly in love with you, Miss Lena Luthor.”

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hotluncheddie · 1 year ago

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Day 4: Edging

"Bi Freak"

Ao3

wc: 3.5 | rated: E | tags: Sub Eddie Munson, established relationship, bisexual Eddie Munson & Steve Harrington, mean dom Steve Harrington (kinda), degradation, sub top Eddie

written for @subeddieweek <3

📸 📸 📸 📸 📸

‘Jesus, are you hard?’ Steve asks, incredulous at how fucking ridiculous Eddie’s cock can be at times. Even walking just behind him Steve must spot how Eddie’s hands shift to tug at his belt buckle, the way his gait is a little more awkward than usual.

Eddie freezes, readjusting again as Steve saunters past. Cheeks feeling a little hot over being caught. He was Subtle, or so he thought, but his jeans must just not be tight enough to hide his boner.

They're walking back to the beamer after eating at the diner in town. A few familiar faces around since its summer. The two of them included, back over from Indi for a visit to see Wayne for his birthday.

Unfortunately, seeing Wayne means staying with Wayne and while that is wonderful, the walls of the trailer are still, absolutely, the width of paper mache. So, Steve had decided the concept of sex was much too mortifying in those conditions. A different consensus from when they first got together, Eddie had pointed out. But, Steve had just laughed and kissed him, in that condescending way that just made the whole situation so so much harder, figuratively and literally.

Its been a week, basically, and Eddie’s getting desperate, and Steve is getting mean.

Eddie jogs to catch up to Steve's long strides. ‘Did you see her though? Christ Steve she, she's a vision. A fucking goddess dude.’

‘I saw I saw.’ Steve shoves his hands in his jacket, Eddie looming in close at his side.

‘Like she was something then, but now? Bigger and better, did you see? You saw them right?’ Eddie moves his arms around, cups his hands, clenches his fingers. A horny interpretive dance.

Steve sighs, faux wistfully. ‘Every day I almost forget how much of a tits guy you are, and everyday you just gotta remind me, huh? Munson? What's up with that?’ Steve jabs his elbow into Eddie’s side. Grins at the cackle it elicits.

‘You know I fundamentally disagree with that question, Stevie. No one should be subjected to a choice like that.’ Eddie laughs, swooping in close to Steve's neck for a moment, in that way he loves. Steve’s elbow coming out to make him back away.

Steve pulls his keys out of his pocket, the car coming into view, parked in the furthest corner.

‘Your tits are amazing by the way.’

Steve laughs again. ‘Thanks dude, I know. Lucky for you my ego is big enough to handle your crazy libido.’

Eddie grumbles, kicking at a can. ‘Only crazy because of the damn “no touching” rule you set.’

‘Aww’ Steve coos, ‘baby cant handle a little teasing anymore?’ He smirks at Eddie, unlocking the car but not opening the door, instead watching Eddie slump over, pouting.

Steve stalks around to the passenger side, opening the door for him and pulling his arm, shoving Eddie down onto the seat with a hand on his head.

Eddie whimpers, feels pre-cum leak out of his tip and soak into his boxers. Fuck, he’s hard - worse now. Steve’s not let him have more than a peck, more than a nighttime spoon, for days.

‘Wanna know a secret?’ Steve asks.

Eddie’s slumped on the passenger seat, feet still on concrete. He rubs his hands over his burning cheeks and peeks up at the sunshine being blocked from above. Steve leaning a forearm in the car hood, looming over Eddie, caging him in.

Steve steps right up into Eddie space, shoving his knee onto the seat right between Eddies thighs. crushing his cock. Steve leans in even closer, breath ghosting over Eddie's ear, making him shiver.

‘I know how she tastes.’

Eddie feels like all his air gets gut punched out of him, feels his fucking pupils dilate so much his vision goes blurry. He makes a strangled sort of moan. His boxers flooding with cum.

‘…Did? Did you just?’

Eddies panting so hard all he can really do is nod his head.

‘You’re so pretty.’ He slurs, staring up at Steve, haloed and lovely and how did Eddie get so lucky?

Steve huffs and rolls his eyes, but he smiles down at him, strokes his cheek and looks at him with eyes full of stars. ‘You can go again through right?’ He asks.

Eddie beams. ‘Fuck yeah!’

Steve laughs, shaking his head. He closes Eddie’s door and gets behind the wheel. Puts on his sunglasses and lays his hand on Eddie’s thigh. ‘No touching while I’m driving. Let's go break into my parents house.’

Eddie leans back in the headrest, grinning. ‘By break in, do you mean use the spare key?’

‘Sure do baby. They won't even be there.’ Steve says, and pulls out of the diner parking lot.

Back at Steves Eddie sprawls out in his bedroom, familiar in its ugliness but the mattress has always been to die for.

Eddie listens to the sound of Steve moving through the house, not sure what he’s doing. But they’ve fallen into routines like this before, Eddie waiting upstairs while Steve did whatever it was that made a big empty house like this run smooth. He works the same magic on their apartment; structuring Eddie enough to not get overwhelmed by chores and eventually listening to Eddie’s please to not do it all himself. Steve could work himself to the bone and still ask if Eddie needed a glass of water. But now they have a chart, and Eddie’s always had a knack for laundry.

But, at times like these, brain directly attached to his dick and almost nowhere else, Eddie wants to be directed.He wants Steve to do exactly as much as he wants, do so exactly as he pleases, Eddie almost an afterthought.

Yeah, Eddie wants that. He shivers, hears Steves footsteps on the staircase.

‘Unzip your jeans but don’t take them off.’ Steve says, coming into the room, searching for something.

Eddie complies quickly, standing. Steve walks out of the room.

Steve walks back in with his shirt off. Looking Eddie up and down, face blank.

He lifts the hem of Eddie’s t-shirt and shoves it in his mouth, saliva soaking the fabric between his teeth, cool air hitting his exposed nipples. ‘Show me.’ Steve says, calm and neutral, like Eddie is his doll to play with.

He pulls at the waistband of his boxers and his eyes burn as he watches Steve. Refusing to blink, refusing to miss the look on his face once he sees the mess.

Steve’s eyes roam Eddie’s face for a moment, steely and almost cold. He looks down, raises his eyebrows. Eddie feels his cock twitch at the attention, at the judgment.

Steve looks back up. ‘Look at it.’ And Eddie glances down, breath hitching at the sight of his cock covered in his own cum, some of it starting to crust but the tip still shiny and wet, leaning against the sodden fabric of his boxers.

Eddie looks back up at Steve, sees that he watched his whole reaction. Pupils blown wide and Steve's hand has migrated up to tweak at his own nipple. Jealousy burns in Eddie’s gut; that he’s not allowed to touch Steve like that, not yet.

Eddie whimpers again, he wants to kiss him, wants to eat him.

‘Fuck’ Steve murmurs, like he can read Eddie’s mind. Maybe he can, or it’s just how good Steve has gotten at reading Eddie’s face.

‘Colour?’ Steve asks.

‘Super fuckin’ green.’ Eddie says around the fabric, grinning, watching Steves smile bloom right back

‘Good’ Steve pecs his top lip. Eddie surging forward, chasing, letting the wet hem fall.

Steve stops him with a finger on his chest. His expression smoothing back into one of mild disgust. ‘So needy.’ Steve drawls. ‘Take off everything but your boxers.’ And he’s gone again, leaving Eddie to struggle out of his clothes in a rush.

Steve walks back in, now only in his boxers too, Eddie can see the outline of his cock through the material and it makes his mouth water. It takes him a second to register that Steve’s holding the Polaroid camera now too.

‘Show me, like you did before.’ Steve says, fiddling with the camera, waiting.

Eddie does as he’s told and he feels goosebumps dabble over his skin, heat rushing south so fast it makes his nipples hard.

Steve takes a photo of eddies cock covered in his own, slightly crusted, cum. The flash taking Eddie’s breath away.

But Steve just leaves again, without a word. Eddie stands stock still and hears the shower turn on, the faint sound of the camera again.

Steve comes back in flapping the polaroids. He sets the camera down and walks back over to Eddie, handing him a damp wash cloth.

‘Clean yourself off.’ He says, leaning on one hip, looking board. ‘And fold your clothes on the desk, boxers on top, they need washing.’ Eyes flashing to Eddie’s, bitchy and judgmental. Eddie moans, even more heat rushing south, his gut churning.

But Eddie does as he’s told, ignoring the heat between his thighs, Steve’s eyes on him as he settles the clothes in a neat pile. ‘Good. Now grab a pillow and kneel down. You’re gonna watch my photos develop while I shower. That sound okay?’ He asks, condensing, but the question is laced with sweetness, infused with the knowledge that Steve knows Eddie loves him like this, loves being talked to like this. But he can end it any time. Any time either of them want.

Eddie just nods, bites his lip, turning to the bed to grab a pillow and situate himself on the floor.

Steve bends and lays the photos in front of where Eddie’s kneeled. Then strokes his cheek with a thumb, making Eddie preen, blinking his eyes closed slowly.

The crack of the slap registers after the feeling, Eddie’s head turned slightly to the side. Low moan distant to his own ears.

He blinks his eyes back open, looking up at Steve’s and his pretty face. He thinks there must be spit sliding down his chin, because Steve’s thumb comes to wipe something away, dipping into Eddie’s parted lips gently, for a moment.

And then Steve turns swiftly for the door, stopping just at the threshold. Eddie eyes snapping back up from where they were looking at his ass and Steve’s stifles a smile. Eddie’s own growing slow and dopey on his face.

‘You can touch, I want you hard once I’m back. But if you cum again I’m not doing anything with you for a week.’ He says and Eddie blinks at him. Nodding as the words filter through his brain.

He closes his eyes once Steve leaves and the water turns on. Lets his fingers dance towards his cock, cheek hot and tight and he moves it at the same time he wraps around himself, shoulders hunching around another guttural moan.

Then he remembers the photos.

He looks down and laying in front of his bent knees there’s two polaroids. The one of Eddie is almost fully developed, his dark thatch of hair speckled with globs of his own cum, white in contrast and just as noticeable in half crusted patches over the pink flush of his cock. It’s a mess.

Eddie works himself at the sight, getting to full hardness with a strangled gasp. Remembering Steve eyeing it, remembering what he’d said that caused Eddie to finish so quick.

The other is still only half developed. But the photos edges are rendering sections of the familiar Harrington bathroom, white tiles and blue walls, shower curtain and the edge of the large ornate mirror. Tan skin starts to become clear, Steve’s big hand holding the camera aloft, taking his own photo using the mirrors reflection, the back of his head.

Eddie’s hand speeds up and he watches, wide eyed, as Steve’s broad shoulders come into view, the arch and strong length of his back. Eddie bites his lip again, harder, as Steve’s back ends in his bare ass perched on the counter.

The dark ring of a plug just visible between his cheeks.

Eddie strangles a cry, gripping himself hard at the base, stifling his orgasm and feeling tears spring at his eyes. Steve’s must’ve been wearing that all through their time at the diner, all through the day. Stretched and wet and Eddie clenches his thighs together, covers his mouth with his palm and squeezes his eyes shut.

‘Fuck. Fuck!’ He mumbles behind his hand, breathing shakily through his nose. Steve is something else.

Finally the shower shuts off and Steve returns. Eddie still kneeling, panting heavily, cock hard and leaking between his thighs. Still coming down from the brink. Steve just smirks at him, running a towel through his hair.

He lays down on the bed, settling against the headboard. He trails his fingers over himself, tracing his nipple and stomach before giving his cock a few tugs, getting it hard.

Eddie watches the whole thing, hands still gripping his thighs.

Eventually Steve’s eyes slide open, that little smirk on his face. He opens his arms for Eddie, motioning him in.

Eddie scrambles up and into them, kissing and sucking at Steve’s neck and shoulders. Cock already grinding desperately between Steve’s damp cheeks.

‘You liked the pictures baby?’ Steve whispers, smile in his voice, mouth hot on Eddie’s ear.

Eddie shivers and pulls back, disbelief on his face. ‘I can’t believe you.’ He gushes.

Steve smiles at him and his cheeks are flush from the shower, his damp hair is falling into his forehead. ‘Fuck, you’re so pretty.’ Eddie says, always always amazed by Steve. He needs him, wants to be inside.

He grinds again, catching Steve’s hole, relishing in Steve’s eyes rolling slightly. ‘Get me wet first.’ Steve demands pulling at Eddie’s hair, shoving his head away.

Eddie bites his lip, cock twitching, he pulls at Steve’s thighs, bending him in half. Dips low to lick a long wet stripe across his ass. Tongue pressing at Steves hole, breaching the already stretched muscle and fucking his tongue in until there’s spit sliding down Steve’s crack.

Eventually Steve pulls Eddie off by his hair, chest all flushed and nipples hard.

Reaching over Steve gets the condom and lube from his bedside table. He doesn’t live here anymore, hasn’t for years. But the remnants of their sneaking around before Steve up and left with Eddie and Robin are still there. He never completely fell out with his parents, but he didn’t really tell them where he was going either. They continue to essentially ignore Steve and Steve continues to sneak into their house whenever he’s in Hawkins and fuck his boyfriend in whichever room he pleases. It’s not ideal, but it works.

‘Gonna show me what that useless cock can do?’ Steve goads, sitting up to roll the condom onto Eddie and slicking him with lube.

Eddie whines.

He hitches Steve’s thighs up, forcing him Back flat, hands beneath his knees. Steve sighs into the touch and Eddie watches his length get slowly swallowed by Steve’s tight, wet heat.

Eddie bottoms out, watching his length disappear. He feels his balls draw up, ears ringing and he’s so close. He’s so close.

The slap makes him stutter, eye wide as he stare at Steve. ‘Do not cum.’ Steve seethes, finger in eddies face, like he’s a misbehaving child. Eddie moans, gripping Steves thighs to hold himself still, breathing deeply through his nose to stave off his orgasm.

He stays buried in Steve, willing himself back down. Panting, he feels tears prickle at his eyes again. ‘That’s it.’ Steve soothes, hand coming up to stroke over the red mark he left on Eddie’s face.

Eddie breaths, eyes closed, feels the tendrils in his gut uncoil slightly. No longer right on the brink.

Eventually he opens them, Steve’s eyes on him. Eddie leans down, hands either side of Steve’s face. He starts moving his hips again, building a steady pace.

‘You should’ve touched yourself in front of her today.’ Steve says, looking up at Eddie with that closed off look again, haughty and judgmental. Eddie moans. ‘What do you think she would’ve done? If you got your stupid needy cock out in the diner, you think she would’ve laughed?’ Steve asks, voice mean and even, the only sign of arousal the flutter of his eyelashes as Eddie thrusts especially deep.

‘Fuck Steve.’ Eddie pants, thinking about it. ‘I used to think about that while you were at Scoops’ He admits, eyes watching Steve, watching his smirk broaden.

‘Yeah? You would’ve got your big dumb cock out on the counter for me while I scooped ice cream?’

Eddie’s hips stutter, he’s getting close again. ‘Yeah, used, u-used to go jack off in the bathrooms after seeing you at that mall. In that outfit. Fuck Steve, wanted you so bad.’ Eddie whines.

Steve coos, finger trailing up Eddie’s sweaty neck. ‘Who knew the freak would be so needy’

Eddie whimpers feeling a blush spread down his chest. He moves his hips faster, wanting to get in deeper.

Steve cracks, moaning. ‘Fuck, make me cum baby, get me there.’ Steve says, gripping his own cock now. Other hand holding him in place with the headboard. Eddie going faster, deeper, grazing that spot he knows so well inside Steve.

Steve throws his head back, releasing all over himself with a shout, soft hair splayed across the pillow and cheeks flushed pink. Eddie slows, grinding. He’s so close again, so achingly hard he can feel his pre dripping out, filling the condom.

‘I think I would’ve let you. Maybe Played with your cock while I worked.’ Steve pants. ‘But only if you cleaned up after yourself.’ And he scoops up some of the cum from his stomach and chest, feeding it into Eddie’s slack mouth.

Eddie sucks, swallowing and tasting salt, flooding his mouth with saliva, some slipping out down his chin. ‘’Teve.’ He pleads, garbled. Begging for permission. His eyes wide and wet, hips unable to stop.

‘You wanna cum baby?’ Steve asks, holding Eddie’s jaw with his spit slick fingers, fucking his own hips down onto Eddie’s cock.

Eddie nods, whining, digging his fingers into the sheets, trying not to think about what will happen if he comes too soon.

‘What are you baby? Are you my little freak, my little perv?’ Steve teases.

Eddie shivers, nodding, his whole body shaking in an attempt to stave off his orgasm. Shame writhing filthily in his gut, threatening to spill.

Steve pulls Eddie closer, kissing his cheek and letting him burrow his face in Steve’s neck. Eddie licks over his moles, wants to mark him, burrow his cock inside and never leave. ‘Thats it, my dumb thing, fucking me so good.’ Steve pets over Eddie’s hair as his hips speed up, thrusting into Steve harder, the sounds of skin slapping echoing through the house.

‘Cum for me.’ Steve whispers, hot breath sending shivers down his back. Eddie’s rhythm turning sloppy and desperate as he thrusts deep one last time. Cumming and crying out into Steve’s neck, tears slipping onto Steve’s skin and Eddie clenches his teeth so hard his jaw cracks.

He cums for so long he’s almost numb, shaky and boneless as he falls on top of Steve.

Steve holds him close, threading his fingers through Eddie’s sweaty hair and whispering praise in his ear.

Eventually Eddie moves slightly from on top of Steve, letting his softening cock slip out and his head rest on Steve’s chest. Listening to his heart beat. ‘Good boy, you’re my good boy Eddie.’ Steve says softly, threading his fingers into Eddie’s curls to massage his scalp.

Eddie groans, boneless and satiated. ‘Was I too mean?’ Steve asks from above him.

‘Fuck no. Made me cum my whole brain out.’ Eddie slurs, pressing his forehead between Steve’s hairy pecs.

Steve tsks him, tugging at Eddie’s hair. The sharp pain making Eddie hiss and he sucks one of Steve’s nipples into his mouth, clamping down on top of him so he can’t wriggle away.

‘Okay, okay! Quit it, you monster.’ Steve laughs, shoving Eddie’s face off.

Eddie sits back in his heels, laughing, finally taking the condom off and tossing it onto the floor. ‘You want another shower before we head back to Wayne’s?’ He asks, petting distractedly at Steve’s pink hole, still shiny with lube.

‘Ye just gimme a sec.’ Steve says, stretching, making Eddie’s fingertip slip inside. ‘And quit playing with that, what are you, a perv?’ He asks, smirking up at him.

Eddie grins, lunging back on top of Steve and biting his shoulder.

Steve yelps and Eddie scoops him up, carrying him bridal style to the bathroom.

‘Oh! Stevie, remind me to put those polaroids in my wallet. I think I’ll get a lot of use out of ‘em.’ Eddie says, dumping Steve on the closed toilet and turning the shower on.

📸 📸 📸 📸 📸

Tag List: @pearynice @xxfiction-is-my-realityxx @scoops-aboy86 @chickensinrainboots @cheesedoctor @marvel-ous-m

#longer one today #the doc for this used to be called 'bi freak wet and needy'#so had to keep the history #its finally done omg this has been on the back burner for SO long #i hope u enjoy 🥺#hotlunch #steddie #steve x eddie #steddie fic #sub eddie week #subeddieweek #my fic #<3

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solifloris · 3 months ago

Text

on "voyage of the outcast";

a psychological analysis with a look into identity, feelings of inferiority, and the glorification of self-sacrifice.

LONG OVERDUE, THIS TOOK FOREVER ?? mentally im not over his story branch and i think about it OFTEN and i have a LOT OF THOUGHTS.......... this'll actually focus less on the story branch (and the potential parallels) itself, but more on what, personally, i think could be the implications!!! 🥰

warnings :: spoilers, +this is quite long! 😭

i'll preface this by saying that . confession time!!!!!! i didn't expect a lot out of this because mostly because i was initially pretty worried about how they would connect the last time we saw xavier (at philo) with the current point in the story, especially given that we ended on a point of a cliffhanger and xavier's and mc's relationship had not developed anywhere near close at that point. but i'm actually pretty impressed with how the writers handled xavier's branch... and i'm more than grateful that infold didn't fuck it up as much as i thought they would 😭

with that said...

HOLY SHIT DID THEY GO HAM WITH THIS 😭😭

and parallels and references aside, i really am quite happy that they perpetuated something i've been waiting to look into more in-depth for a while—because i feel that in these chapters, we get to see a lot of how xavier's upbringing has really shaped the way that he carries himself. sure, we've already seen it quite a bit in his limited cards, but seeing it in the main story hits more, especially when... there hasn't necessarily been a deep level of relationship development between the two yet.

which, the branch may reference his lightseeker myths and the anecdote "when shooting stars fall" a lot, but i'm glad that this gives the same desired effect even if you didn't get a lot of his cards (especially limited ones). because thankfully it's at least made pretty clear that xavier and mc haven't had the chance to develop their relationship very much past what we know in the main story itself. they're not in a relationship at this point, which, according to the cards, seems to really only get to that point after "21 days"...

so this brings us back to the xavier that we're more familiar with from before that card. the xavier who's still figuring out how to accept the parts of himself that had become a lot more fragmented throughout the years. the xavier who doesn't know how to do it yet, but the xavier who's still trying.

i know i did go into his upbringing and whatnot in some form of detail in my lumiere analysis (here, in case you maybe want to go through that too <3), but i'll expand on that a little bit here!! so how this will go, as much as i can keep it within the outline, is something like background + personality -> relationship. overall, we'll look into how each has influence over the other, and how that ties in to what we see in "voyage of the outcast"!!

++ a lot of these may be a little complex, but with the best of my abilities i'll try to break it down so its easily digestible !!!!!!! but, like... i'll disclaimer here again with this being my own personal speculation, from my understanding of his character hehe <3 so take it with a grain of salt? maybe? whdjsjfhhs

i. background and personality notes.

long-established is the fact that xavier has been depicted as royalty. at his core, he's the prince of philos—heir to the throne, someone who is to lead philos and its people when the current king no longer can.

...but he's also not been very happy about it. he'd distance himself from his family, and his duties, as much as he's able to...

and again, what does mc see when they first meet?

—"they say he doesn't live on campus because his family background is complicated, and many people have seen him surrounded by bodyguards."

—"they aren't clad in all black as one would expect, and they keep a respectable distance away from xavier. still, these people exude an air of oppression. xavier, with his bag, is at the center of their group. it seems he's used to being stared at. the only difference is that rather than being his usual expressionless self, he appears slightly upset."

—"'you appeared to be upset, so i thought you wanted to be free.'"

—"'i wish xavier is free to do what he wants.'"

she says all these things because even she recognizes him to be trapped. this is the mc that doesn't know him, isn't close to him yet at this point—but this is what she observes.

and this is the core of what we'll be looking at this time which i would section off into: (a) the nature of a prince, (b) constraint and psychological resistance, (c) incongruence of identity, and (d) feelings of inferiority. all of that, then, will tie into their relationship as a whole !

because if in the lumiere analysis we zeroed in on how this feeling of being "trapped" affected his identity—which, arguably though, is a big point so we'll get back to it nonetheless under section (c)—this time we're going to try to look into why these issues with his identity mean so much.

i. - (a) ; the nature of a prince.

something i do wish we had (or may get) more insight into is what exactly his life was like in philos x.x largely what we know of can only be inferred, because the story is being told through mc's point of view, and technically mc doesn't get too deep into the kind of lifestyle each of the LI's have.

with that being said... xavier, in his lightseeker myths and the 'when shooting stars fall' anecdote, still does encapsulate typical princely duties. there's the formality of royalty, the responsibility that comes with a higher status... a prince is high-ranking, a prince is a noble, a prince is royalty. there's a certain sovereignty involved with the title, and in that effect—we all know that there's a certain air of elegance and poise that xavier generally carries himself with, whether that be in his swordfighting, or the words he uses (he has pretty eloquent speech sometimes), the books he reads... even little things, like the calligraphy he does, his handwriting, the slow dancing, playing the piano. he's well learned, and it's clear that he's been trained truly in the image of a prince.

and he's calm. collected. for the most part, we've seen him deal with adversities in a way that's almost chillingly calm; and for the most part, he portrays himself in a way that feels as if it's not easy to get him to lose that calm. again, it's why we as the audience tend to be so shocked when he does—maybe incredibly, even, especially with misty silhouette as of late. he gives this image of someone who does not often lose control of his emotions...

but it's never been because he wants it that way.

along with all of these things, comes the duty of being a prince.

a prince is high-ranking, a prince is a noble, a prince is royalty. again, there's a certain sovereignty involved with the title. but more than that, is the responsibility of holding such a high status.

xavier is the crown prince. he's the next-in-line. he's expected to take the throne after his father's death, and that means being able to lead and care for the people of his nation—or, well, planet, i suppose, in this case, philos. that's a heavy burden to bear. he's already likely faced with all these lessons, to exude a princely demeanor, and all that formality, and speciality, and elegance, and poise—and now he has to keep in mind that the satisfaction and the safety of this planet will fall directly into his hands when the time comes.

we know later on in his lightseeker myth that this means much more than we think it does—because it means being aware of, and accepting, and condoning the sacrifices that go into keeping philos safe, for, well... exactly that. to keep the people safe.

—"...I knew you'd catch on. However, it is a necessary duty of the crown prince. It is also the King's responsibility."

—"Xavier! Listen to me. A King cannot act on his emotions or only protect the people he holds dear. Your duty is to protect Philos. You must only do what is necessary."

his duties are outlined. he has to protect philos. he must only do what is necessary.

it may be the topic of another conversation entirely, but the whole debacle with philos is really just that whoever is on the throne has to answer: "which is it that men cannot live without? a blessing that leads to damnation, or a freedom that leads to deprivation?" [joshua rosfield and the ff16 writers, thank you for this quote that lives in my head rent free] and like, hell. that's a difficult choice to make.

it's also worth noting that although the context here is somewhat dark, this is a rule that applies to general leadership—there is not much room to be selfish, because you have to think about the people under your care, or rule, or jurisdiction. it's a responsibility that falls on your shoulders for you to bear, for you to make the right call, the right decision—that is the value that the xavier's father is trying to instill in him.

because he is the crown prince.

because he will soon be king.

and heavy is the head that wears the crown.

...only, xavier has never once been receptive of it.

i. - (b) ; constraint and psychological resistance.

we go back to, again, "when shooting stars fall", and the very clear recognition mc has of his lack of freedom.

because that's what it is.

lack of freedom.

because duty is the enemy of freedom.

and xavier, given his position, is undeniably plagued by all of these duties and these obligations and these things that fall to him-

yet, he's never wanted any of it.

though not explicitly confirmed in the game itself, the setup that's implied leads us as the audience to believe that xavier has never enjoyed his royal duties, never found that it was something he desired. it could be that he wanted many other things, but has never been allowed to enjoy these things. in "when shooting stars fall", he's often lonely; often surrounded by these "bodyguards" and rarely interacting with other people in the academy. he believes that these figures restrict him from watching the meteor shower with mc, too. it's possible to think that he's believed, all that time, that he had no say in the things that he does...

because he has to be molded into the perfect image of a prince.

that's where it comes in: the constraint.

something that limits one's freedom of action or choice.

it may or may not be what happened in actuality, but it's clear that by the time anecdote 3 happens, xavier had developed into a person with the misbelief, conditioned, that he was not allowed to do as he wished. it could be the strict training, it could be the things they might have kept from him when he was little.

but xavier believed that there was nothing that he could do.

in a sense, this brought about a sense of learned helplessness.

learned helplessness is the learned feeling that one has little to no control over a certain situation—and because of the lack of control, feelings of helplessness, or passivity, or a lack of motivation to take action, end up resurfacing. it could mean overlooking opportunities for relief, or change—it means basically accepting the situation as-is, without bothering to try to get out of it. "it is what it is." "i can't do anything anyway, so why should i still bother?"

this is the xavier that we meet at the beginning of anecdote 3.

— "I can't." "Is it because of those..." I hesitate, wondering what to call them. "People?" Xavier appears shocked, and then he nods without saying a word.

— "Don't be sad. I'll just go by myself... I'll bring your wish to the stars when I do. What's your wish?" "I don't have one." "How could someone not wish for anything?"

however...

it changes.

the xavier at the beginning of that anecdote is not the same xavier we see at the end of it.

mc makes various comments; talks about how he's smiling more, and we see him more deliberately avoiding the company of those "people" in favor of being with mc instead. he's found something he wants, and he makes the decision that this is worth fighting for. it breaks him out of that mold of learned helplessness—

only to have it ripped away from him through mc's death.

this anecdote is painful because he realizes that he doesn't have to be trapped anymore... but it's a moment that's short-lived.

and it builds.

it builds.

it's very likely that the end of that anecdote haunts him for years on end, builds up a certain sense of resentment and disdain for the universe, for his circumstances, and builds more of that rebellious nature.

when we see him in his lightseeker myth, that learned helplessness is gone.

and instead, it switches to the opposite end.

xavier is more headstrong. he's no longer passive, no longer the boy who was unsatisfied with the restrictions but sat still and did nothing. he literally walks out of his conversation with the king, and he's seen multiple times in the myth defying what's expected of him.

but because it's gotten to the point where he's at the opposite end of the spectrum...

he'd develop, instead, what would be called psychological resistance.

maybe not the concept in its entirety, sure, but the very core of it—that is, displaying these paradoxical, opposing behaviors in response to what he'd be told to do.

it's, in a way, that xavier would have himself feeling stuck nonetheless; because he's so insistent on rebelling against all of this, that the more he's told he's a prince, or that he has to do this, or that, or help philos, or whatever, he completely turns his back on it. i would argue that at this point he is being less objective of the situations and, going against the expected conduct of a prince, gets overly emotional—at this point, the only thing that matters to him is mc.

we get to see the full extent of exactly why xavier is emotionally unstable, because he keeps fluctuating between the two extremes of dealing with all the constraint he's experienced.

i. - (c) ; incongruence of identity.

it get worse, naturally.

to set the stage for this, i'd bring forth the concepts of "congruence" and "incongruence" of identity.

so when we talk about congruence, this refers to the fact that there is a balance between our ideal selves (aka who we want to be) and our actual selves (who we are currently). this means that we basically accept who we are, either that we feel like we are already our ideal selves, or we recognize that though we might not be at our ideal stage, we know how to work to achieve it. there is no conflict between who we are and who we want to become.

incongruence is the opposite of that, and refers to the imbalance of the self. who we are now is not who we want to be, but we don't like that idea. we don't know how to work towards it. it makes us upset, and we may reject ourselves completely to pursue the sense of idealism.

and xavier falls heavily into incongruence.

there's more to it—

according to james marcia, there are four (4) statuses of identity: identity foreclosure, identity diffusion, identity moratorium, and identity achievement.

foreclosure refers to committing to an identity and accepting it, without exploring other options: you'd rather just blindly accept values and ideas and identities that other people suggest, without bothering to consider other options. it's most clear that xavier falls under identity foreclosure.

(diffusion refers to no identity commitment, and no exploration of identities; there is no strong sense of who you are as a person, neither is there any sense of actively trying to work on it. moratorium includes actively exploring options, but not being able to settle into one identity. achievement is the ideal, having explored options and willingly chosen the identity that feels right to you.)

so we have the xavier who's initial identity was chosen and laid out for him without much of his own say in the matter, and because he doesn't want the identity, because it's forced onto him, he develops such an aversive reaction to it that it proves to be quite harmful to the stability of his mental state.

something i've talked about a lot, is how this state of his identity is a cornerstone to the things we see him struggle with, in the main story and in his cards alike, and especially in his relationship with mc. and it sets the tone for the xavier that we see and interact with, as well as the character arc he has to go through to grow into a better person.

once again, it pulls out the fact that he needs to learn to accept who he is as a whole. what he keeps doing is striving for an ideal, striving to become who he "should", as far away from his princely identity as possible. but it's necessary for him to realize that even the most conflicting parts of him are still.. well, him.

the more we attempt to be who or what we are not, the more we remain the same. but when we acknowledge and become what we are, we open right new possibilities for change.

it's not necessarily a matter of blindly accepting your faults and not bothering to change that, but acknowledging the parts of you that you refuse to acknowledge, because you can't just... ignore who you are. like xavier has been very keen on doing.

i. - (d) ; feelings of inferiority.

i want to preface this section by saying two things: (1) that inferiority is a word that's thrown a lot very casually, but actually means something different than what general media portrays it to mean... and, (2) that all of the LI's show conflict with feelings of inferiority, in very different ways, and this is not limited to just xavier!

and to understand what inferiority really means, we go back to the person who coined the term in the first place: alfred adler.

so alfred adler is this guy who's basically responsible for what we call "individual psychology", and the very very basis of it is that people are driven by a need to feel that they are significant, and that they belong. there's heavy emphasis on the importance of relationships and social environments, and— a person is influenced by how they interpret events that happened to them in the past.

i hope you see where i'm going with this !!!!

when we relate this to xavier... we can recall how under learned helplessness, it was primarily xavier's view of how he was treated, that he developed a sense of passivity. when things change and he loses mc despite finally learning how to rebel a little, his view changes into one stained more with frustration and disdain—so he works against the situation and rejects it.

the fact is that we as the audience don't know how he was really treated. sure, we can make inferences, but we're just about making the same inferences that mc and xavier do. it's a limited perspective. and what matters the most in a limited perspective is how it's interpreted. we can see clearly how xavier has interpreted his narrative, and it therefore results into his behavior.

so where does inferiority come in?

it does get kind of intense, because individual psychology is closely related to early childhood. so the theory goes that everyone's born with a little bit of inferiority—and then, as kids, or as babies because we strive for the attention of our parents to help fulfil our basic needs we develop this kind of habit of striving to get rid of that inferiority. baby wants food (sense of inferiority and dependance), baby cries (tries to get attention to get rid of the feelings of inferiority).

so it goes that if the child gets the proper care that they need, then problem solved. but inadequate nurturing... means the problem gets worse. we'd go back to learned helplessness, because then the child would feel like they have no control over their surroundings. and while this is normal in small amounts, if it isn't addressed, compensation is just not enough anymore.... and then they would strive for even more.

overcompensation.

and overcompensation leads to an inferiority complex.

now, an inferiority complex isn't what you might be thinking, because it doesn't necessarily just mean seeing yourself as... less than someone. in fact, it's not even about comparison, really, it's just... the feeling of not being enough. it's a lack of self esteem where the feelings of inferiority that all this started with just, haven't been dealt with at all. so it's a cycle of constantly trying to compensate, and compensate, and compensate... it's the need of someone to feel special because they can't accept themselves as flawed. (it's unfortunate, because everyone is flawed... including themselves.)

(it gets worse, because if even that gets left unchecked, it develops a superiority complex which is kind of the same concept, but instead focuses on looking for the "easy way out", like borrowing authority or luxury or power from other people and living according to other people's value system)

but, i digress, because in xavier's case, his sense of inferiority stems from the identity forced upon him. given his background that we went over, there's a lot of pressure involved... and it is once again inferred that he does not have, or does not view that he has, a good relationship with his father (one would assume, including his mother, though i don't believe his mother has been mentioned anywhere?). it's a sense of a lack of nurture; the fact that he has felt as if his needs were not being met and instead pushed aside for something like the "greater good of the people of philos", or something along the lines.

he has to do something about it.

it goes back to the cycle.

the learned helplessness is pushed aside, and he keeps doing things because he has to. and it could be due to the belief that it's what will make him worth anything.

he has to.

except instead of directing his determination necessarily towards the planet he was supposed to lead... because he's so aversive to his identity as a prince...

he directs that towards...

mc.

he has to help her. he has to save her. he'd give rise to the whole lumiere thing to save her, even despite how much he despises resuming an identity similar to the prince of philos.

he has to.

(which, side note: i do believe that his sword fighting also somewhat stems from an inferiority complex, because of the line:

"it's not that i like it. it's the only thing i've been good at since i was a child."

(implying; his need to still feel good at something despite a lack of enjoyment... almost as if compensating for something.)

ii. xavier and mc.

so what does all of this mean for their relationship?

evidently, at the time of voyage of the outcast and the general main story, none of these issues are addressed. this is not like the lumiere myths, not like 21 days, no restraint, floral blessing—this is the xavier who's still largely unstable on the inside but trying to put on a brave face.

there's a lot of things he doesn't know how to navigate.

but the one thing he is sure of is:

mc.

always mc.

she's important to him and he loves her and he has always loved her. this is the person who was the catalyst to him believing that freedom was possible.

and we've had this whole thing established, that he's so insistent on keeping her around that—he doesn't know what to be. he doesn't know what to do. he wants her around, he wants her to like him—

but what does she like?

there's too many sides of him, and he recognizes that this mc in this timeline is her own person. what should he be? he doesn't want her near whatever princely persona he's had in the past—but what if that's what she wants? he wants to show her the person he wants to be, but what if that's not what she wants?

how does he navigate that?

it's the baseline of where he starts—why we see him aloof, and vague, and a little cyptic. he wants to be careful with his words not just to protect her and not just for nonintervention principle... but also because he wants to figure out what she wants, and really wants to make her like him.

he doesn't want to lose her. he doesn't want to mess up and have her go to another guy, he doesn't want this to be a timeline where he can't win her heart.

it's there again, the determination—

he has to.

he's doing all these things, working in secret to protect her—he can't lose her. and he's not enough, so he has to do something to compensate that. he wants her approval, he wants praise, he wants her to like him.

when we go back to voyage of the outcast, there's still a lot of that same xavier that we start with—he's still struggling with all of these ideals, the interaction of all that he's grown up with and the things that he has to learn how to navigate.

he's still a little vague, still a little cryptic...

but he's trying, most of all.

he puts in an effort.

— "Isn't there something you genuinely want to ask?"

— "Oh... You're asking if I have a hidden side to me like Soren?"

— "You must have more questions."

he's giving her a chance.

even if the way he answers are still lacking in explanation—it's a step forward nonetheless.

and they do talk about it, that sequence by the basketball court has so much to it, because in one way or another, he's still trying to express his thoughts, even if it comes out, again, still a little vague.

"Perhaps it's because he looks like a good student that makes him the best at doing things behind the scenes. After all, people don't write their secrets on their faces. The calmer the water's surface, the easier it is to hide dangerous undercurrents."

even mc recognizes it:

— "Even though I'm so close to you, experienced all these life-and-death situations with you, I still cannot seem to fully understand you."

but why i say he's trying is that, in theory, he understands what he's lacking in. at this point in the story, he knows he's doing things to mask and pick and choose what he shows her, he recognizes that it's not what he should be doing:

"But... the parts of me you think you know and the parts you think you don't know... They make up who I am. All of me, right here in front of you."

it's just that, knowledge is often different from practice.

from the xavier we see here, you get the image that he knows what he should be doing, but he doesn't quite know how to get there. he knows what he wants to tell her, but he doesn't know how to express it properly.

and it's why when we get to The kindled scene, we're pulled back into the xavier that still hasn't come to terms with himself and what he wants, the xavier that falls into the shadow of himself that can't help but be so aversive to his princely duties.

we pull together the insecurities, the incongruence— the inferiority complex.

and we end up with the glorification of sacrifice.

this is something i've always always wanted to get into, and again, similarly to inferiority, it's present in all the LI's, but xavier's really makes you think, you know?

because for being so aversive to his role as a prince and everything that philos has done/has planned to do to queen mc especially, you'd think he'd be just aversive to the role of sacrifice, in general.

(i mean, i know i would be! 😭)

it's like— if i'm already that aversive, then i'd rather find some kind of workaround to it than bother giving into the sacrificial needs of the planet, just to challenge what's supposed to be, you know?

— "A planet that uses... ... ...to survive.... doesn't deserve to be saved." [ <- do you see the aversion? there's so much hatred and disdain in this! ]

and yet, that's not what xavier does.

— "Starfall forest... will stop once it has enough power..."

— "I couldn't... I didn't protect you before. At least... it chose me this time..."

he was very clearly planning on having the forest take him. it's even further pushed by him recognizing mc to be there, but... the bottomline falls to the fact that he was willing to be the sacrifice that was needed instead.

the contradiction is there, no?

he doesn't want to save the planet, not at all, but yet he'd offer himself.

and although this falls to my personal speculation, when you draw references from his background, there's once again the fact that he grew up with all of these ideaologies. his parents were the first sources of influence—and then whoever had been with him through his growth, and trainings, or whatever else as a prince. and he was learning all these things in philos, the very planet that did use sacrifices.

and upset though he always has been about learning of the sacrifices, it's not as if the planet condemned mc for being the sacrifice... if not, well... glorified her, somewhat. they called her the perfect sacrifice—the life force of the planet. they held importance in what they believed to be "true immortality". moreover— "her duty was to save philos, because her existence worked in such a manner."

it wasn't just "whatever" to them, and they surely didn't treat her like shit just because she was a sacrifice.

it feels as if, the theme goes as "you're doing a good job being the sacrifice. your sacrifice will save us and that is worth something to be thankful for."

and even if xavier is clearly averse to the idea... again—the fact remains that he was brought up with the entire theme of sacrifice surrounding him.

we circle back to inferiority.

there's that certain sense of belongingness, or approval, that was never fulfilled in his childhood, so much that he began to resent everything altogether, enough to rebel so much, the way that he did.

but it stems from what he never received.

and while he may not care anymore for approval from the people of philos, what he does care for is mc's approval.

because again, mc is the only one that truly matters to him, the one he focuses on the most, the one he's doing all of this for.

he has to do something to compensate, he has to do something so that she'll love him.

the same line of thinking that we said earlier he'd come to terms with knowledge-wise, that he's trying to be more genuine instead of chasing after compensation and praise and compensation and praise—

but again, in this scene, it falls back.

he's lost sense of reasoning, the evol, the protofield, they're all affecting him... and we go back to that sentiment.

he has to do something. to protect her. to save her. to be...

noble.

the only issue with that is in this moment, he's faced with the prospect of sacrifice. and he's thinking, "fuck it, this will make her happy—i can save her—i can do something—it will give me some worth."

he's sucked back into that shell, and the option in front of him is sacrifice, which he's likely long grown up with surrounded by glorified opinions of.

it's his duty.

he has to.

and it's just so gut-wrenching to think about, because he loves mc so much that it bypasses even every ounce of aversion and resentment (that she triggered long long back), and he would do anything for her.

the xavier that we see in this scene is raw, and lost, and in pain....

he loves her so much that it hurts.

... but, there's beauty in the way that this teaches him firsthand what he's missing, too. he learns to trust her more, learns to rely on her more... enough so that he drops a good portion of the aloof, distant-ish act he'd been generally having after this scene.

— "Your power will keep me safe."

— "It's as if he's already at the finish line with the answers. He's quietly waiting to see if l'll join him or choose a different path."

voyage of the outcast ends on a hopeful note for their relationship, because there is the premise that he's going to start being a little more true to himself from here on.

i think it's interesting to go through this again after floof attack and misty silhouette, but there's definitely a stark contrast and some sort of progression actually involved with the way they're progressing the main story—it does feel natural, not forced, not rushed, because xavier and mc are still at the pount where neither of them are ready to be romantically involved...

but they're getting there. slowly. steadily.

and it's really nice to see the growth, that i can't wait to see how xavier will continue to grow from hereon out 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

THIS TOTALLY GOT A LITTLE MESSY TOWARDS THE END.... I SWEAR THIS IS LIKE. THESIS DISSERTATION CORE. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW LONG ITS GOTTEN WJFJWNBGEJJF BUT IF YOUVE MADE IT THIS FAR TY FOR LISTENING TO MY RAMBLES !! 😭😭😭✋✋✋✋

i think about his story branch a lot but specifically the basketball scene and the one at the end with the lil shared earphones... im gonna sob in the corner i actually want to hold him in my arms so so gently 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

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